The group liked our book The Lonely American so much that they voted to continue the discussion in our February meeting.  All 12 slots for our next meeting have already been filled - in less than a week!   The group as a whole is up to 25 member and counting.  I really do believe there are many individuals out there like me searching for meaningful conversations and connections with others.  I’m glad to have found a way to connect people in a deep and meaningful way.  At the end of the meeting, readers were chatting away with each other as we walked out of the visitor center.  Mission accomplished! 

Two other initiatives this week – we had our first meeting of our townhouse development’s Resilience Circle - an informal group to promote acts of neighbor helping neighbor.  Nine of us met at my home Wednesday night – many of us meeting each other for the first time.  We discussed the wonderful feeling of community here and we discussed specific ways that neighbors can help neighbors – housesitting, babysitting, petsitting, rides to the airport, running errands for someone who is ill, etc.  

What drew this group together?  An interest in getting to know more neighbors and building a stronger community…  We decided to start a closed Facebook group for our communications and we’ll meet again in March.  I think “glue” is important – it’s not enough that we all live close together – we need to get to know and befriend each other – i.e., to build mutual trust so we feel comfortable asking for help when we need it.    

Lastly, I threw a happy hour for friends – old and new – on Friday – using a Groupon for my favorite happy hour spot.  Gotta love those Groupons!  There were 6 of us – and unknowingly I reconnected two individuals in the same career field who hadn’t seen each other in a long time.  It was neat to see them reconnect!  

I think my “now what” is evolving.  Rather than focusing my efforts on finding a “partnered happily ever after” (of course I won’t turn it down if Fate deals me that lucky hand), I am wearing a new hat – one of ”meaningful connector.”  More than just forging my own meaningful connections, I get just as much joy, if not more, from connecting really terrific individuals with each other – whether it be through facilitating great conversation, hosting a happy hour, or organizing a group for neighborly acts of kindness. 

Rather than “single person nearing 50,” I’m now a “meaningful connector.”  It’s a much more doable and fun identity than searching for that missing piece that may never show up.

Three sayings come to mind for 2012:

What we focus on, we become.  

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have. 

JTM

I had a great holiday and hope you did as well.  The day after Xmas, I flew to San Diego for work and was able to connect from my best friend from grade school – Pia.  We hadn’t seen each other in 13 years – she never ages – looks great.  She’s single and has built a life in a city very far from where we grew up – so we have a lot in common.  It was great to wax nostalgic and talk about our families. 

I went to L.A. for New Year’s – saw my 5 year old niece Alice, whose love for horses has been replaced by a love for dolphins – due to Winter’s “Dolphin Tail” – such a sappy, wonderful movie.  I must have had Flipper flashbacks as I needed many a Kleenex for that flick.   My favorite Alice line this trip – when asked what she wanted for her 6th birthday, ”A pinata - no stick, no blindfold and me first!” 

I was hoping she’d be our first woman president – now I’m not so sure…  

I have to say, however, my niece has amazing emotional intelligence for a 5 year old.  How many 5 year olds have the social skills to ask an adult, “So what did you do for Christmas?”  I’m pretty proud of that niece of mine – just keep her away from pinatas.

My father, brother and I made a pact to lose 25 lbs. by year’s end.   This same resolution has topped my list for about 10 years running.  So I’m taking a different approach – I’m not dieting.  I’ll work out more, eat less sweets. and stop eating after 8 pm and see where that takes me.  As much as I love Jazzercise, I need strength training and flexibility workouts.  So I’m swapping Jazzercise for my local community center’s gym – joined yesterday and already feel lighter and more virtuous.    I like the idea of patronizing my town’s community center - a great way to build social capital, and  it’s a wonderful facility with an indoor walking track, weights and cardio machines.   I’ll be able to take unlimited classes – yoga, pilates, zumba, the works.  I’m excited!

Two more resolutions – I’ll be listening to more MPR to become a better informed citizen.  I may help out on a political campaign too.  Third, I’ll continue my efforts to promote meaningful social connections – for others and for myself.   

To you and yours, Happy New Year!

Off to the gym!

JTM

My tree is up, my halls are decked, I had my staff over for our annual chili luncheon – I’m trying to stay busy.  But that feeling that everyone else in the world seems partnered/familied/connected makes this a very tough time.  The difficulty isn’t just from  being single – it’s from feeling like an outsider looking in.  I keep thinking – yes, I could have had that – but I wouldn’t have become the person I am and I’ve got a lot of work to do to help others.   Still, the emptiness is hard to fill.

Anyway, it turns out Jane has volunteers already visiting her from Little Brothers so I won’t be visiting her after all.  I did find out about a free calling service for seniors here in the Twin Cities from an awesome non-profit called Neighbors Inc. in South St. Paul.  The organization started when mills in the area closed – apparently, the Lutherans, Catholics and Protestant churches all laid their gauntlets aside and banded together to help people who lost their jobs.  That was back in the 40′s and this organization has grown ever since!  They give seniors rides and phone calls and help feed the homeless – the work they do is amazing!   Wish I lived closer - it’s like one huge Resilience Circle! 

Meanwhile I’m planning a holiday party of my own for my single and partnered friends – I’m grateful to be connected with them – the party is my Xmas celebration.  I’ll be spending Xmas Day with my cats – and then flying to California the next day for work and to ring in 2012 with family.  I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season – my family is all alive and healthy, I have 2 nutty cats (and the tattered Xmas tree to show for it!),  a great job and home of my own.  

I know the best way to quell loneliness is to extend yourself to others – I’m certainly trying…

Again, I wish you a wonderful holiday season – thanks for reading!

JTM

Jane lives alone in an apartment building and is facing lung cancer.  She is one of 10 children – only she and a brother 70 miles away are left - she sees him once a month.  As I heard more of her story, I realized she has no one she can really depend on here if something happens.  Her neighbors are nice but they don’t want the responsibility of keeping her housekeys in case she falls and someone needs to get in her apartment.  That worries her a lot.   I asked if she had considered being part of a “calling circle” where other seniors living alone call each other daily to check on each other.  She said her friends all have talked about it but it never happens.

Despite it all, Jane has a sly sense of humor.   She didn’t say much, but at the pianist serenaded the crowd of elders to White Xmas and Silent Night, she leaned over to me and whispered, “Bet you they’re not going to sing Grandma Got  Run Over by a Reindeer.”   Guess not! 

With Jane’s approval, I contacted Little Brothers Friends of the Elderly and asked to add her to the other two ladies I visit each month.  I want to make sure she gets more “on their radar” than just Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner each year.

I’ve been meeting elderly ladies who live alone and seem to be “off the radar.”   It’s become more clear that my path is to do  something about it.  Those of us who live alone offer a unique  empathy to these individuals.  They offer us the opportunity to learn from their experiences as they pave the way for us to live independently in our later years.  My Boomer generation will  want to live autonomously in our homes as long as possible.  If each of us “adopted” an elder who lives alone – just to call and check up on so they know they have a net of support - imagine the doors that would open – for them and for us! 

I wish you a very happy holiday season.

JTM

My enthusiastic attempt to form an informal volunteer group to help seniors in my community resulted in 6 generous volunteers with no one to help. I know there are many folks – especially seniors – living alone here who could use a helping hand. I spoke to someone who is much more of an expert in working with seniors. She stated that no one wants to be “helped” – better to enlist them as partners helping me to get to know my neighbors rather than “helpees.” Also, I believe Minnesotans are generally very stoic and independent – so they’d rather not have help – especially from strangers, despite their good intentions.

So I went to Plan B and volunteered for Little Brothers Friends of the Elderly to visit isolated seniors once a month. Well, I ended up being paired with a retired woman named Carol who turned out to be my neighbor Jim’s sister – go figure! It’s a small world sometimes. Carol is a delight – she told me all about her parakeet Sparky III – Sparky’s two predecessors are deceased but Sparky III is from a different petstore and a lot heartier so she’s going to last a good long time.

Two other events reenforced my idea that we really could benefit from an organized group of “neighbors helping neighbors” here. An elderly resident had cataract surgery and her neighbor was taking her soup as she didn’t feel like eating for several days following surgery. When I was asked to take her soup one evening, the elderly woman didn’t answer her door or phone. We weren’t able to reach her the next day either. The next morning, my intuition told me something was wrong – and it was. I contacted the police and they ended up breaking down her front door as she had fallen on the floor and was too weak to get up. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. She’s fine now, thankfully. But what if she hadn’t been on our radar? She lives alone – it’s very fortunate that she had a neighbor watching after her.

Additionally, we had a fire in my community – 3 townhomes were destroyed. The potluck dinner group here started circulating emails – we all wanted to know how we could help. One woman was appointed leader of our “relief effort” and she decided to throw a baby shower for a couple expecting a baby boy who had lost their home in the fire. We reached out to a major store chain and a restaurant who donated gift cards to the 5 people displaced by the fire. We didn’t know these folks before the fire – and yet the community banded together to help – very inspiring! So perhaps you may not know you have a safety net, but it may be lying in waiting for the right opportunity. It was very heartwarming to be involved in helping these neighbors – that’s an important piece to mastering the art of living single – to be connected in helping others.

So with 50 just 2 short years away, I love owning my own home, have a great job, and am doing quite well overall. However, that elusive life partner isn’t showing up. What if I spend the rest of my days unpartnered? The snowball then runs down the hill – what if I’m old and alone with health issues and no one to talk to or take care of me? Having no one to call me to celebrate my birthday drove that point home. I hope this doesn’t sound self-pitying – it’s not. The existential question is how do people live into old age without others to lean on? Well, I’m action, not just talk – and I’m going to find out. I’ve started volunteering for a local organization aimed at helping isolated seniors – I want to pay it forward and frankly, I’m trying to figure out how I’ll do this as well.

The good news is I think I’m finally getting used to the idea I’m probably going to be single this lifetime. Glad I bought my house and continue to develop my life as much as possible – now I’m thinking of taking some courses. I’d love to know what others do when they suddenly realize, “Hey this is it – Prince or Princess Charming is probably not going to show up. The show must go on!”

To celebrate the occasion, I offered two Plan B Connection workshops during my anniversary week. The Basilica workshop on Wednesday had a whopping 20 participants – I was so pleased! Then the SHIFT workshop at Roseville Library had nearly another 20 – most of whom I knew personally. I invited a number of good friends to that workshop – perhaps as evidence that, like Mary Tyler Moore, I had “made it after all!” I felt a bit like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life” to see “my tribe” at that workshop. As my friend Vic quoted Angel Clarence in that movie, “No man is a failure who has friends.”

My very wise younger sister Callie says I’ve graduated now. I’m no longer a lonely transplant – I’m a Minnesotan with a great circle of friends, deep roots, and a home of my own. Thankfully, meetups where I forced my introverted self to make small talk with strangers are a thing of the past now – and I don’t miss them. I’d much rather hang out with my friends and neighbors. I’ve stopped introducing myself as an East Coast transplant – instead I’m a new homeowner in a wonderful community here in the Twin Cities, working to build community and social capital every chance I get!

It’s been a long journey to get here – and yet that “emotional Outward Bound” (as my sister Callie calls it) gave me such a great appreciation for the life I have now – as well as a driving passion to help others facing social isolation. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I’m excited now to look forward and continue to build community ties and social capital!

The thought of Frances offering to call other senior ladies living alone like herself to check on them really touched me. Talk about a Plan B Connection and being the change you wish to see in the world! I asked Frances if I could be someone to call her or stop by with dinner for her sometime. Frances was a school counselor in her day – that makes us both educators and connectors – I think we’ll have a lot to talk about – I’m excited to meet her. I asked her how she would feel if I carried her torch onward and offered to start a “Transplants, Transitions, and Smiles” group in Windsor Green for those on their own who could use a helping hand or a phone call – she loved the idea!

Frances, thanks for the inspiration – your legacy will continue to strengthen our community spirit!

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